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Permalink Reply by SaFire* on February 23, 2009 at 12:00pm

This is an excellent topic!

I struggle with this everyday. I'm somehow trapped between two emotions constantly. One being horrendously self-conscious to the point of paranoia thinking that everyone is against me and secretly has a distaste for me that they would never say to me personally.

The other being too confident that I become cocky and egotistical, thinking that everyone else is lazy and unreliable or will never amount to anything but sitting around talking about their "dreams."

It's a really conflicting feeling to go from high horse to paranoia in two seconds flat.

Then I think maybe my paranoia is really just vanity in disguise. In which case I then convince myself that no one is talking about me badly, because no body cares about my life and that I'm completely insignificant.

I do a lot of mental rambling as you can probably tell...

Is anyone else like this? Or am I crazy?

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Permalink Reply by Jessica Torus* Wagstrom on February 23, 2009 at 12:47pm

You are NOT crazy! That's exactly how I feel! I'm convinced that either nobody likes me or everyone does. :) I go through those exact cycles, the way you describe them is perfect.

It's good to know I'm not the only one. I really don't know how to reconcile the two. Sometimes I'll review an evening of hanging out with friends and worry that everyone thought I was being too this or too that, when they probably weren't thinking anything. I bet half the people we worry are thinking this or that about us aren't actually thinking anything about us at all!

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Permalink Reply by Glass Pixie on March 3, 2009 at 9:25am

I do this all the time:) I worry that I either seemed too aloof, too clingy/needy, to dorky, or too serious. I hope to land somewhere in the middle. I love people and sometimes think I seem WAY too enthusiastic when I'm in a group of people I enjoy.

I'm trying to just be me, and worry less. It helps to see that other people have this stuff going through their heads too!

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Permalink Reply by Lealyn on February 23, 2009 at 2:30pm

I AM EXACTLY LIKE THIS! HA! I used to show horses and I either thought I would get first or I thought I wouldn't place at all. I could give a million other examples, but anyways... I can so relate. That was a cool thing for you to admit Safire. Very raw and brave of you.

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Permalink Reply by SaFire* on February 23, 2009 at 3:53pm

Thank you. It took several minutes for me to finally decide to click "Add Reply" after writing my response. I almost didn't.

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Permalink Reply by Tina Fernandez on February 24, 2009 at 9:01am

I was like that until I started writing morning pages. You know. We have to be cocky to make us act but we have to do it quietly. I write all of my positive stuff down in a journal in the morning. They're Morning pages. I picked it up from the artists way book. Basically I speed write in the morning and it shows me what is bothering me and where I need to improve. Mostly it gives me a chance to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts and remember words of encouragement from people. I was actually in the middle of it right now but you're not supposed to have distractions.

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Permalink Reply by Jessica Torus* Wagstrom on February 24, 2009 at 9:06am

Interesting idea! I have the Artist's Way, but I haven't read it yet. I need to! I've heard such good things about it!

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Permalink Reply by Amy Irish on February 23, 2009 at 12:14pm

To answer both of your questions - I have all of the above thoughts and more! lol Jessica - I do the same thing and some people have said that I am very humble etc., so I don't really think it's a bad thing, but if it's making you feel negative about yourself (to downplay your positive attributes), then I can see how it might be. There is such a fine line, because I wouldn't want to come across as narcissistic (spelling? lol), but I also don't want to seem insecure either, so it can be tough!

Sandra - what you call paranoia just sounds like you are overthinking things - I just think when people are 'thinkers' and sensitive - they tend to feel the way you are describing. I totally overanalyze everything (my poor husband lol) and then usually find out that I just made a big deal about nothing! This just happened to me yesterday because of a problem at work, today, everything turned out great! I should have known!
You also have a lot of leadership qualities, so people who are in the spotlight, like you, are always going to have more of a feeling of being judged.

As far as staying positive, I'm not sure how I do it, but when I do feel very negative, I try not to let other people know (except my family), this way I 'appear' positive most of the time. I do strive to be positive, but it is of course not possible all of the time. I find the best way to get out of a funk is to do something that will take my mind off things - hooping, working out, watching tv - or I'll talk to a friend or family member to get my problem 'off my chest'.

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Permalink Reply by Jessica Torus* Wagstrom on February 23, 2009 at 12:57pm

Yeah, I try to be humble and sometimes I worry I overdo it. :) It really is tough to find that happy medium!

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Permalink Reply by Lealyn on February 23, 2009 at 2:32pm

I think Michael Caine said "Be like a duck. Calm on the outside and paddling like the dickens underneath." Your last paragraph kinda reminded me of that quote somehow.

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Permalink Reply by SaFire* on February 23, 2009 at 3:56pm

That's awesome!!!

I'm so using that!

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Permalink Reply by Mad Maxine on February 23, 2009 at 12:49pm

This is another fantastic topic.

I think I got lucky being picked on through highschool (and even college) because it made me not give a damn anymore what people think. Mostly. I still slip into that periodically. I was considered to be a freak in several parts of the country, and it's hard to put down that kind of automated response. Currently, it helps a lot to live in a place like Seattle that is way more supportive of people who want to do their own thing. Almost nobody stands out here, so I'm in a comfortable place where I can express myself. It also helps that I'm 40, and I'm finally figuring out what I'm about, personally.

When I do slip into self criticism, it's usually me thinking things like "sheesh, do I sound like a yammering, know-it-all twit? Do people want to hear what I have to say?" and things like that. Then, after beating myself up about it, I usually just decide that a few people may want or need to hear what I have to say. Those who don't will breeze on by. And I rarely have to deal with anyone being a poo-head about it.

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