I've never posted in the forum, so I apoligize if I do anything wrong ahead of time :)
I read over the guidelines, but I always feel a little weird about posting for the first time anywhere.
This is my positive step towards recovery and in this moment I'm both terrified and excited at the same time. I need to get this out there so it doesn't just stay in my head and then I change my mind. This is the time, I need to get better.
A little background:
I started hooping about a year ago, I'm 17 now, and have struggled with often debilitating depression since the age of 10/11. I spent years thinking I just needed to get over myself and spent so much much time beating myself up when everything I did and everything I tried never worked. Even my parents told me I was fine, and who was I to not believe them. All the positive thinking, good things, friends, and family weren't enough and I couldn't understand why. Well actually, I still don't understand to this day. So I hid and kept to myself so hopefully no one would notice. It kept getting worse and worse and the little breaks in my head where I felt like I was thinking clearly were harder and harder to hold onto. Not to sound completely overdramatic, but I got enveloped by my thoughts. I lost all ways to cope one by one. Anything positive in my life couldn't compare to how disgusted I was with myself and how much hatred I felt towards myself. So when the positive things don't work you move onto whatever you can to get you by, and for me that was self-harm and controlling my eating habits.
I've never wanted to be this person...the "depressed" one who no one really wants to be around. I didn't want to be the "emo" girl, and if you didn't see my scars, you would never think that of me. So I've denied any problem I have and it's validity to hopefully ignore it enough that it goes away. It did the opposite. I've continued to fall and fall and things have gotten worse and worse, no matter how hard I try to hold on. So I'm embarking on this journey now...it's NOT okay that I feel this way 24/7, it's not okay that I harm myself, and it's not okay that I hide. And that's been the hardest thing to accept and will continue to be the hardest thing to accept, but denying that there IS a problem here (no matter how severe it is) has only pushed me down further.
Recently, after being taken to the hospital, my parents had a long tiresome discussion "with me" about what they're doing to do about me. If I said I didn't want help, they were going to force it on me (which apparently they don't quite understand how these things work, but you can't force recovery on someone). I lied and told them I did want the help, although at the time that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted out more than ever. I was extremely suicidal and lied my way out of the hospital and my parent's grasp so I could hold onto that last bit of control I had.
A girl I've been talking to on Flickr told me: "I'm convinced that only one thing can truly make me get better, and that's wanting to get better for myself. I know it will work because it's the only thing I haven't tried yet." That's the only thing I haven't tried yet either. I've never accepted there has been anything wrong to get better in the first place because I don't feel like what I experience is valid, or enough of an issue, to fix. I need to try now, it's been long enough.
I know that the amount of teens/young adults who struggle with depression-feelings or self harm or eating issues are quite extreme. This doesn't mean I don't deserve the help just because there are so many others struggling too. I deserve better - I tell people that all the time - it's about time I believe it myself.
Throughout all of this, I've always been hooping. Forcing myself to go to class when all I want to do is sleep or sit at home alone. But 99.9% of the time I feel better when I'm hooping. It doesn't mean I'm happy, but it means that I'm safe, and that's most important right now.
I have therapy on Tuesday, and after seeing him for 9 months in silence, I'm going to try to break the silence.
I want to get better, and my hoop will be there with me every step of the way! Comforting me and bringing me back to something that I can connect to. Making me feel alright for just a moment, and making me feel beautiful again. I've missed those feelings.
I'm not sure what better is really, but I imagine it being just living. Not choosing to die because it's the only option you can see. I don't know why people choose to live, or if they even choose at all to begin with, but I imagine not ever even thinking it's your choice to live or die would be lovely. To just be. To just live.
I'm finishing writing this with tears in my eyes. I can do this, I know I can. I have the support, and I've always been extremely lucky to have it but have never thought I was worth using it. I know there will be relapse, I know there will be dark days (or weeks), I know I'll want to give up, but I can't. This is my life - I can see it crumbling but I can do something about it. And I've finally realized that.
Thank you all for reading, happy hooping always!
I know this is a very late response to this post, but I just wanted to remark on how similar my own story is to this. I'm not much older than you, but I've struggled in much the same way you have. SI was a huge part of my life for years. I went to therapy, was put on tons of different meds, and had my fair share of attempts on my own life. The scars will never go away, and depression is still something that I have to deal with from time to time. But trust me--I know how you feel and I can tell you with absolute certainty that with effort, things can and will get better. In the hoop, I have found a type of happiness I never knew before. I'm happy to be alive and kicking, despite all of my flaws. And I can only express how much hope I have that you can experience the same. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.