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Permalink Reply by HipHempHooper on September 12, 2011 at 2:10pm

If he can't see that NOW, after 3 years, it's not you, It's HIM. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how his brother treats/acts around you? Maybe he can offer some insight on what you can do to get him to come around. It sounds to me like he doesn't trust you, or any girl, because he has been screwed around on, and he assumes all girls are the same. If he can't find a good one, neither can his brother. Or, if he has been cheated on, there's no reason why you wouldn't do the same.

It actually sounds like he is jealous of the relationship you have with his brother.

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Permalink Reply by Arsyn- Of the Exentrix on September 12, 2011 at 2:44pm

Idk what u should do but for now having him "like" you is a bit out of ur reach at this point. Because like HHH said, if he doesnt by now he wont. Wat u need to focus on now is not to be bff's with him but civil enough that he isnt trying to constantly sabotage ur relationship. Its a really crappy situation, stay strong *hugs*. And if all else fails u could confront the brother privately, shock sometimes is the best cure "so, why r u such a dick to me? Id love to know really..." Lol ive had to a couple times and people are so shocked the issue just comes spewing out reflexively lol but only use this in extreme situations lol

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Permalink Reply by Onyx on September 12, 2011 at 3:16pm

haha. i dont know if i have the balls to just be like hey wtf is up with you i've been nothing but nice to you. I agree with your insight HHH but i feel like if i say something to my bf he wont be honest and just say im making it up cause he wouldnt want to confront his brother. he looks up to him alot. Thanks for the sympathy Arsyn. I guess I will just hope for a change and keep being me but try not to let it bother me so much. Its just annoying to have someone dislike you because they dislike the women they have unfortunately dealt with. Not all girls are the same. He is the one person I think that needs to figure that out the most. For now I'm tired of dealing with it.

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Permalink Reply by Eternal Voyageur on September 13, 2011 at 4:05am

It looks like there is jealousy at play here... you want to "feel like I'm apart of this elite brother group even just a little bit." Well, you won't be, they share a sibling / male bond that is very unique and completely different from the bond between you and your bf.

" He even tried to get brett to move out of state with him and he would let him live there 100% rent free" --Looks like the brother might be jealous that you are now the most important thing in your bf's life.

 

The bottom line is: just because he is your guy's brother doesn't mean you (or him) have any duty to like each other. If it happen's, nice. If not, just be civil. Don't push the issue, I don't see why you are trying so hard with someone who obviously doesn't appreciate it. And -- you don't have to deal with it.

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Permalink Reply by Onyx on September 13, 2011 at 1:09pm

idk i guess im trying so hard just because i've always liked brandon and i've never had issues with him besides his view on women. I care mostly because its taking its toll on my relationship. Brandon tries to make it like im untrustworthy and shady when I've never ever done anything to his brother or him. I enjoy alot of the same things brandon and brett like to do and they make me feel like its not my place to like them, talk about them, or be apart of them. And we hang out with his brother so often I'm tired of being the third wheel. Brett says he thinks brandon feels like the third wheel but thats impossible because if hes around im invincible. I understand they are brothers and there is no bond like they have and I can never be apart of it, but at the same time all i really want is to not be so shoved aside. It worse because he will include/talk to any other girl that isnt me.  I think I'm just at my wits end and i dont feel i should be treated like that. even when i try to tell my bf about it and tell him how they make me feel when they are all together he just says that I am making it all up. A bunch of our friends just went to a fest and they all kept asking me where my bf was and why he was never around me or hanging out with me or my friends... cause he was constantly with his brother... its sad when he doenst even notice he is leaving me behind/out and other people do.

 

I want to just go to brandon and confront him but i feel all that will happen with that is he will be nice to my face go tell brett and then i will get chewed out for it later on.

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Permalink Reply by Keity Rose on September 13, 2011 at 6:39pm

I can definitely understand your frustration!! My boyfriend of 3 years has an older brother I don't really get along with either.  Fortunately my bf and him don't get along much either so they don't hang out.  But I would be feeling the same way you are if I was trying my best to be civil to no avail. 

 

You pretty much got 2 options.  You can either accept it for what it is, appreciate the time you guys have together and apart, or you can confront the both of them.  I say both of them because obviously your boyfriend isn't taking your feelings on the situation seriously!  I would make it clear to him just how much this is bothering you.  If you have to point out the instances where he 'ditches' you, do it.  Even if he never sees it as a problem, he'll hopefully respect the fact that it bothers you and do somethin about it.  Otherwise you might have to just ask his brother (nicely lol) what his problem is and let him know how he's making you feel.  Theres always a chance they're both oblivious and not meaning to cause any harm lol Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Onyx on September 13, 2011 at 10:55pm

thanks sweetheart. youre lucky to have dodged this bullet. i think i may try talking to them this weekend.

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Permalink Reply by Eternal Voyageur on September 14, 2011 at 8:40am

    I think that you guys should stop hanging out so much as a threesome. If your guy doesn't take your statements seriously, maybe it's time to show him and not tell him that you feel pushed aside when the brother is there. When the brother comes over you can already have something planned with your friends. If your guy asks why, just smile and say you'd love to go with them but you really have to (insert interesting and exciting thing here). Maybe making yourself a little less available will make your guy value more the time you choose to spend with him. (This is something I learned from Why Men Love Bitches).

    If you do choose to confront them both, you need to collect specific examples: "On that day you said x and did y, and it made me feel z. I would appreciate it if you ..." and so on. This works much better than: "you always push me aside and ignore me".

 

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Permalink Reply by HoopinKat on September 21, 2011 at 9:39am

Speaking as the eldest of three children, I can say with certainty that this is a jealousy issue. Obviously the brother doesn't hate you, or he wouldn't have helped you when you nearly fell out of your chair. He would have let you fall and then laughed about it. Even as a married woman, I struggled a lot when my sister was dating, because her world becomes consumed with her men and I never see her. Just because I'm married and a mama doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with my brother and my sister. It happens with my brother, also. He's the baby of the bunch and eleven years my junior, so he definitely gets wrapped up in girls and playing his guitar and whatnot. I start to miss him.

 

I'm guessing that Brandon has two issues going on. One is that he still wants to have a relationship with his brother. The other is that he may worry about whether or not having a friendship with his brother's lady would be appropriate or not. Some people struggle with where the line has to be drawn between friendly and flirtatious, and if he values his brother's respect and friendship that is a line he'll be extra cautious about not wanting to cross. I think Brandon sees that you and Brett are in love and serious about a future together and he's likely just hoping that it won't mean that they can't have a relationship any more. Some people adapt to this more quickly than others. Clearly Brandon struggles with that fear of abandonment, but I'm guessing once you and Brett make the relationship super solid by living together or he develops a relationship with someone special that he'll back off some. 

 

Hopefully it will get better very soon for all of you.

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Permalink Reply by Onyx on January 20, 2012 at 1:08pm

i havent checked in on this in a while but i wanted to give everyone that offered me advice in this matter a little update. Brandon and i are building a closer relationship but he still backs away. Hoopinkat i think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe once he learns to trust another woman and have a real relationship again it will become less of an issue. He's a sweet man, he just comes off very standoffish and judging which pretty much is his personality at first. I dont think its his fault i think its past relationships have went terribly for him so he puts up this wall. He just moved to cali for 3 months for work and we were just starting to get close and now we dont talk much anymore. I think he feels a texting friendship would take it too far, and i think he may have started to develop a crush on me so he's backed away quite a  bit since he has moved. We'll see how things are when he comes back home. All I want is a friendship. He's so much like brett that i know we have alot in common and could be great friends. He just needs to see im not a threat to them, to his baby bro, or as a female in general and i just dont think hes 100% sure of me yet.

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Permalink Reply by Bearclaw Manufacturing - Tedward on January 20, 2012 at 2:08pm

Okay, good, glad to see that relationship cluelessness swings both ways.  I, myself, have been terribly daft about women, but it's kinda cool being on the other side.

Brandon is into you.  He probably received a jolt of bonding after saving you  (kinda like going to a scary movie, or taking E).  Prior to that you were just the little brother's girl and he could picture you neutrally.  But once a bond formed he started realizing other (primal?) feelings towards you.  However, since he's close with his brother, he feels like he can never reveal these feelings which is why he can't trust himself to be alone with you.

You have three choices.  1) live with it and maybe he'll heal up on his own.  2) Sleep with him and let the chips fall.  3) figure out a good (and final) way to make it clear in his mind (and yours) that you two won't be getting together.  Some girls are good at this, most aren't. 

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