Seems odd to share such a sensitive subject on-line, but well....I'm at my wit's end, exhausted, and need outside perspectives.
My husband is in a very bad place right now. Depressed, drinking constantly, and very angry. I'm often caught in the middle of his furious outbursts. At best, I'm in the middle of his constant stream of negativity. I say, "heal yourself", he says he'd rather die." I say, "Get help," he says therapists and psychologists are just quacks with paramedicals." I say, "pray" and he says "there is no god. You're a fool to believe." It hurts. I've dealt with depression before, so I can empathize to a certain point. But I'm so drained, so frustrated by his seeming unwillingness to help himself, that I'm at a loss.
So I was hoping you folks might share your experiences dealing with another's depression and/or addiction. How do you stay bright when someone you love is dark? Do you feel you were able to help them? Did you get hurt? Did you leave? How did you and your love find healing?
Oh God, I empathize. I've had my share of problems and have fought so hard. I evntually got some footing. I counseled addicts for 2 years at a facility in NYC and have been of service in one way or another for a lot longer...um, there's a lot to talk about. Denial puts a wall to protect the itself against health. It's self destructiveness protecting itself and it's like a demon. Hence "therapists are quacks" etc. Look, I know some of them are and I am wary of psychopharmacology and religion too, but quality help and a spiritual ideas are both to be distinguished from these! The right therapist can be a great friend! Also, think about it, it's Ok for champion athletes to have "coaches" to help them right? So, why is having a "mind coach" so taboo? Foolish stigma, and an ignorant public, that's why! I used have this self defeating, pseudo-intellectual comeback as well. It would be great to find some help that changes his mind - someone who he can identify with. You are going to have to take care of yourself too - I don't know what you are doing right now i.e. help/support for you but it could help you both, so please investigate with a really open mind because I'm assuming that you don't have the disadvantage of denial right now. Remember, no group, idea, book, pamphlet or therapist can really mess you up ultimately - you are the final doctor and can choose and this is what I'd hold close to your heart if you investigate one of the programs...there is good help and it will be an education. Open mind first and willingness to stop suffering.
Hi TM, I believe counselling can really help a person access their own truth and totally change their life and the path they're on, but not everyone out there thinks this. And sometimes a person has to seek out the right therapist. It's like having the right dentist. You don't want to open up for someone who you're not totally comfortable around... At the same time, we're already out of our comfort zone and sometimes the stranger is the best solution for clear reflections. It sounds like you know that the support is out there for you. I have loved many people who drink and it's not easy. Take care of yourself and stick with your plan for getting counselling, and keep talking to people! I think it's great that you reached out to your community here at HC to get some love and support. I have noticed it's difficult for some people, men especially sometimes but not always, to go to therapy, cry, be vulnerable, etc. They are not raised to think this is a good thing or place to be in. I personally think the one's who do go in are the warriors. It takes some serious grit to go for counselling and let down all the guards, and there's nothing like it for healing yourself as a whole being~ xxoo Best of luck!
TM... First of all I want to say I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are a beautiful person and you do not deserve this. Your family doesn't deserve this. No one really deserves this. But unfortunately it's very common in society... And I know he doesn't want to be doing this to everyone. The mind is a power thing. It needs to be taken care of just like the heart, lungs, liver, etc... I think he needs to understand that, despite his hang up with counselors and such (some people have been burned so much in the past it makes it hard to trust) he NEEDS to do this for his family. That's number one. It may be a hard realization to come to. Some may feel it's like admitting defeat. Of course it is not. That's like blaming yourself for congential heart disease. But right now you definitely need to seek out help. Everyone else gave great advice as to places you can find that help.
I believe you will get through this if everyone is willing to work hard for it and have open minds and hearts.
Sending my love,