I lost my girlfriend, my best friend and soul mate. And I cant conceive of having a connection like that one with anyone else. I cant imagine starting over with anyone else. Every day is hellish now, my thoughts uncontrollably roll in. Things I never would have thought of before suddenly make me think of her, or that one time we did this or that. I tumble down a rabbit hole of self-pity and darkness, regret and self-blame. Rationally I know she did this because she knew it is unfair to keep a partner hanging when you dont share the same feelings for them. My needs weren't needs she could uphold fufilling. I think she is lying when she told me we werent compatable, or she no longer has feelings for me. I think she no longer has feelings for anyone, and justifies this by saying, we are no longer compatable, or I am less "touchy feely" and you are too sensative. She is trying to understand her feelings, or rationalize them, but doesnt understand them at all and thinks this is the answer. Maybe it is. For her. The answer. She says maybe one day many years from now we can meet again. I know she cant conceptualize years, neither can I. I have to go on like this is the end. I already have fears of never being able to fully commit to my next lover for such a strong love for Nina, or having expectations about the dating scene or my next relationship to go just as things had gone with us. Nothing will ever be us or what we have and I am not ready to say goodbye.

I wish I had the emotional maturity to take the high road, let her go because I love her. Embrace the good experiences and move on. Be happy for what we had and look forward to new things. But I cant shake the pain in me to really truly believe those sort of thoughts. 

The temptation to go on facebook and look at her page gets worse and worse. I havent touched the damn thing because I know it wont do me any good and might actually make me feel worse once I do. I just wonder how shes doing, if she is still wearing that claddagh ring I bought her for our annerversary...if she flipped it around to tell the world her heart no longer belongs to me...